Do You Love Your Family?
If you're reading this, please read it from the start till the end. It's a story of my life at a phase so dark I couldn't tell myself to take it slow and steady.
So here we begin.
Somebody asked me last year, "Do you really love your parents?"
Automatically my brain tell me to say yes because hey, I SHOULD LOVE MY PARENTS!!
But last year, being 17, my heart wasn't in agreement with my brain whenever somebody asked me that question.
Back then (as if last year was a really long time ago...) I truly felt unloved. My parents were, and still are, very busy with work. I'm not a person to really open up my feelings and have long deep conversation about what's going inside my head so I have a really hard time expressing my doubts and inner thoughts to my parents, especially my mom.
I remembered when I finally mustered all courage I had, knocked on my mom's bedroom door and walked in. She was tired from work and it was close to 11pm. It was obvious she just wanted to dump herself on her bed but I refused to back down. It's now or never, I convinced myself.
Lump will always form in my throat each time I try to express my inner thoughts. It's sort of like anxiety, fear of being so vulnerable and exposed. So when I let out my feelings and thoughts to only found out my mom wasn't actually listening, I was disappointed and furious. Her mind was elsewhere and she was tired but I figured if your child comes to you with a problem, you're ought to listen and help as parents should.
Since then, I never ever express my thoughts. I shoved in deep down at the corner of my mind. I told myself, "well if they aren't listenig, don't bother trying to make them notice!" I was angry.
Somebody asked me this year, in February to be exact, "Do you really love your parents?"
I paused, looked at that person in the eye and said, "Yes. Yes I do."
During the course of me being angry towards my parents, not talking to them unless necessary, doing things on my own and refusing any help offered, I neglected family time. I avoided any family dinners, family functions, family outings whatever. Also last year, I sat for SPM so I used it as an excuse to stay at home when my parents wanted to have family dinner outside.
"If they can't appreciate you, don't ever try to prove to them you're worthy. It's just a waste of time." I told myself.
I thought I was winning you know. But really I felt lonely. Obviously my youngest sister prefer my other younger sister over me. My mom laughed with my sisters and brothers and kept a cool facade in front of me.
I felt really unloved. I blamed her. I blamed my family. I blamed life.
It took me quite a while to realise it was all my fault all along. My mom is trying her best to juggle her work at the office and at home. She's the first to wake up (at 4.30/5 am) on school days and cook and wake us all up to get ready for school.
What did I do all this while? I blamed her.
I felt so worthless and stupid and sad.
One of the moments in my life that truly made me really appreciate my family was when I started working. I was gravely sick one day and had to take a leave. It was so bad I coudn't get out of bed. When my MC is over and resumed working, I realised nobody truly cares for your well-being but your family. It was a harsh truth but I accepted it.
Then I received a birthday card, secretly sneaked into my new bag (bought by my mom this year.) by my mother. I read it and cried. I cried and cried because only then I fully and finally realized the importance of family.
So I made an effort to be more involved in the family. Talk more, joke more, smile more, laugh more. Because deep down, I love my mom. I love her. It's not just a cliche thing because it's true.
#LifeLessons101: Appreciate your family. Love your family
I would also like to clarify that I'm posting because just to say that in case if any of you that are reading this, who is facing a similar problem as mine, then you're not alone.
If you haven't come to terms with anybody, not just your family, then I pray and hope you do not hate them in the process.
Do not result to hatred and resentment and anger if things do not turn out as you planned or would've liked. Do not shy away from the world and think you're a failure. Instead, take it as a learning curve and an opportunity to improve yourself and become a better person.
#LifeLessons101: Smile a little wider. Laugh a little louder. Be more positive, less judgmental.
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So here's a few tips (not that I'm the best person to counsel on family problems/relationships or anything) but here's my take:
KEEP A RATIONAL MIND AND BE REASONABLE
When you're in a situation where you are in disagreement with your family members (and sometimes small arguments turn into a huge fight), remember be rational. Talk things through and come to an agreement... together.
COMMUNICATION IS KEY
Ask yourself this: Do you really know your sister/brother/mother/father/grandparents that well? Are you close to each other? Can you engage in a really long conversation without any awkwardness?
If the answer is yes then you're on the right track. However, if it's no then work on your communication with them. They're your family. They're always worth your time anyday
LOVE BINDS PEOPLE TOGETHER
Whatever that happens in the past between you and your family, let it go. Forgive them but never forget. That is not so say that you should/have to hold grudges but the principle or concept of "forgive but never forget" is mainly to not let history repeat itself. It serves as to give you a lesson as to when it happens again in the future, you would know better.
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At the end of the day, it's best to always think good of people. In fact, the Prophet Rasulullah, peace be upon him, encouraged us to think good of people and shy away from insulting or treating them ill.
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