The fight is over. The battle is won.

Alhamdulillah!

The day I received my SPM result slip, well it wasn't an actual slip though. I was one of the three students that their slips slipped out of the huge pile of other result slips at the ministry of examinations office.

How cruel! How. Cruel.

Apart from that day itself being my birthday and SPM result day, I had expected myself to be nervous. I even acted nervous. I held hands with my friends, Sangeetha and Sharmilee. (We are the SAS gang!!! Hehehehehhehe) Contemplated with my mother what if I get bad results and even asked my brother other life options if I ever get any Cs in my results, in which he denied confidently.

"You've been working hard all this while. Getting a C in your result would be impossible!" He said.

I frowned on the inside.

Alhamdulillah, my results are good. Great even! Like I said, my actual result slip accidentally 'tercicir' so I got this 'copy' of my results. It was basically a plain A4 paper with my results at the very bottom in very small fonts. There was my name and ONLY codes of the SPM papers I sat for. I didn't even remember the codes (it was a huge anti-climatic, let down, whatever you call it moment!)

Thanks!

I counted the results and the grades. I wanted to cry but I didn't. I looked at all the other girls around me that cried, or screamed or laughed hysterically; I wanted a reaction of myself but it didn't show.

I was..... emotionless.

You see months and months before the real SPM day, I worked day and night. There were blood (literally ok. I bled my fingers and cried) and sweats and tears and desperation, deprivation, devastation; there was everything.

At one point, I felt like dying. I thought of my future and how I wanted to pursue medicine, how scared I was to pursue it, how I hesitantly wanted it and how in the end I want it so badly I could cry oceans of tears. I thought about the amount of cash it would cost me to pursue this noble field of discipline, how I don't have that much of money, how I don't want to burden anyone with that huge amount of cash. I knew I had to get a scholarship, or maybe scholarships.

It wasn't easy. I focused my energy in my studies, forgetting that I neglected my curricular activities, then cursing myself to why I wasn't as active as other students. There were a lot of pessimistic thoughts and demotivating spirits in me that I didn't know and still don't know how to fight back.

The battle between yourself is the hardest to win over and in my case, I haven't win that battle..... yet.

If I could give a piece of advice, then I would say, take it a step at a time. Don't rush things. It's good to look into the 10 years ahead thingy but what about the present? What about NOW?

Learn how to make friends and how to KEEP them. Learn how to see your faults, mistakes, setbacks, disappointments as learning curves so in the end, you won't feel like killing yourself.

Learn how to forgive yourself, to pick yourself up, to gain that inner motivation and drive to keep pushing yourself forward.

Because your life doesn't end after SPM. Your life starts after SPM. (Quoted that from a teacher of mine.)

#LifeLessons101: You have to fight the bad days to get the good days